Friday, September 26, 2014

What Would You Do if You Knew You Would Not Fail?

Patience is a virtue, but so far, it isn't one I possess. Unfortunately for me, I just happen to be hard-wired to make decisions only after I sleep on them for a while. I have learned, on some occasions quite painfully, that when I make quick decisions about big things, I often regret my choice. There are people (my husband and Eve, for example) who can check in with their gut and know almost instantaneously what they ought to do. I am not one of those people.

For a few months now I have been trying to define my next steps. The girls are getting increasingly independent and I am getting restless, looking for something more substantial to do besides freelance writing here and there.  I put the word out to some trusted allies this summer and have begun scouring the internet for volunteer and job opportunities that might fit my passions. On several occasions, I have been tempted to apply for positions with organizations I admire, despite the fact that the position itself is not quite right. Either the hours are wrong or I know I would be bored in a few months, or the organization does great work but it doesn't light a fire in my belly.  Thus far, I have resisted, hoping (but not really knowing deep down) that the right thing will present itself.

This week, one of the folks who knows I'm looking forwarded a job posting to me, noting that it was full time (which I don't really want because I still want to attend the girls' sporting events and be flexible for their school days off), but that it was a local non-profit we both know and love and I would be very qualified for the position.  I read through the job announcement a few times, getting excited because it is a job I know I could do.  And yet.  There was something. If I'm being totally honest (and a little bit woo woo), I have to say that all of that excitement was lighting up the left side of my brain. I actually felt as though my head was listing to the left - no kidding. I put off applying for the job and emailed Bubba to see what he thought about it.  Before I received a response from him, I headed to a gathering of women who are going to a leadership retreat together in October and pretty quickly, I found myself talking to two of the women there about this job. They both know the organization and the folks who work there and, more importantly, they know me, so I asked what they thought.  Within moments, I realized that I had spent most of the day trying to talk myself out of applying.  Another moment passed and we were talking about a project I've been quietly working on all month that is scaring the crap out of me because it's such a big leap. And even as we spoke, I realized I had a fire in my belly. That despite the fact that I'm scared and my left brain doesn't believe I have the credibility or the qualifications to pull off this secret project, my right brain is all twinkly Christmas lights when I think about it.  Needless to say, my body language convinced both of these amazing women that I know what I really need to do.

I won't be applying for the job that was forwarded to me.  Bubba got a 'gut hit' off of it that, while it's a terrific position and I would do a great job at it, it's not right for me. And twice in the last two days, I have heard the phrase "what would you do if you knew you would not fail?" - not directed at me, but in the context of other things I've read or seen.  Both times, I stopped and asked myself this question and sat twisting my fingers in my lap as I answered, "the secret project that scares me." I can't say where it will go, but I will say that I'm a little closer to leaping. Wish me luck.

5 comments:

Chris Gilliland said...

Baby steps. I completely identify with what you've said here. It's hard to see off into the future and so difficult to take the leap (at least for some of us!). I wish you the best.

Deb Shucka said...

Oh,Kari, I'm so excited for you! Sending prayers and love and light to you. Looking forward to hearing about what's got you lit up, what's beckoning, what I know you will shine in, at, or for. Big love to you!

Dee said...

Dear Kari, like Deb, I'm excited for you. Starting something that lights a fire in one's belly is a powerful motivating to move forward.

When I was in a similar situation I read the book "What Color Is Your Parachute." It helped me greatly. What it most helped me with was discovering just what I like to do. What satisfies me in a job. And I'm thinking that you already know that. Remember Julian of Norwich: "And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well." Peace.

Carrie Link said...

I won't wish you luck, because luck is not what you need. I will wish for you that fulfill your Personal Legend. Go re-read The Alchemist again! No accidents that you heard/read that question recently! It WAS meant for you!

Love.

fullsoulahead.com said...

Keep focusing on the twinkly lights and go go go Kari!

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