Two nights in a row. Nasty, mean dreams with the same man (from my past) coming at me in different ways with detailed plans of how to hurt and torture me. I'm a teenager again and all the same poisonous feelings I had for him then are tumbling around in my belly, rinsing and swishing, spinning but not draining. The look on his face tells me that he has the same vitriolic cycles going on inside. Our hatred is entirely mutual.
Last night he had me and my best friend in some isolated place and he was playing on my affection for her. I had to be the one to subject myself to his evil plans in order to protect her. I had my cell phone and he knew it, but somehow he wasn't worried. The more I tried to press the right buttons before he snatched it away, the more he laughed. He knew I wouldn't be able to do it right. His disdain was my self-fulfilling prophecy. I couldn't find the right contact numbers in my phone and when I finally did, I only got voice mail. He was right about me.
I never did get rescued. Every moment we experienced was choreographed. By him. I was completely helpless. It didn't feel any different than before. Waking up, I realized that the worst part of the dream was not the fear of harm. It was the fact that I could still feel his hatred for me as strongly as ever, and I hated him just as much.
Hmmm, methinks it's time to work on this.