I am so tired. I've been trying to get to bed earlier and I'm sleeping in more and more, but my sleep is being constantly pelted with annoying dreams - like hailstones in the night. My head is filled with unfinished business. Old friends I haven't seen or thought of in decades. A novel I'm desperately trying to finish. A baseball game that is going into extra innings and it just won't end and I'm biting my nails and sitting on the edge of my seat because I can't leave and go to the really important thing waiting for me until the game is over.
I dream of alternate scenarios. Two nights ago I found myself giving a stranger a tour of Bubba's childhood farm, explaining how his life would have turned out had he decided not to leave this redneck town and go to college. He'd have moved in to the house on his parents' property and worked the land. He'd have married a girl who went to school with him and stayed there, content to use his hands in the earth every day.
I know why these tornadoes of thought are whirling in my head. I get it. What I don't know is what to do with them. Do I 'finish' things? Do I sit with this and see where the next dream takes me? I am finally back to working on the book and enjoying the process. I want to finish the book, but I also want to revel in the sitting at my desk, strawberry candles lit, soothing background music playing, soft light floating down on my hands as they fly across the keyboard. I want to soak in the feeling of doing what I love in the time that is mine - kids at school, dog fed and walked, Bubba off chasing his dream.
I don't like the unsettled feelings, the gravel swirling up from the bottom of the aquarium. I want to glide through the water - a fish not in search of anything but being where I am. But someone keeps stirring up the damn rocks and the crud that pushes its way up into the water is bugging me.